I started writing poetry as a form of therapy without realizing just that until I wrote my first few poems, it was an emotional and liberating experience. I only shared this with my partner and my siblings and I starting to breath so much more freely.
Sounds so silly now, breath freely, in this time of uncertainty. Uncertainty over and over again played so hard on my mind, all my anxiety, depression, fear returned with a ferocious roar, and it absolutely floored me for a while, weeks went by, too much time to just think and think, remember and feel.
Until I finally found the courage again to speak and tell someone I am broken, and I need help, help me, just telling you is helping me, I needed to just tell someone. Start to heal and fix myself. I have my partner to thank for that, over and over again you have saved my life without even knowing it.
I feel, I remember and think about when for the first 30 years of my life I lived and breathed knowing nothing but the fear that comes from Domestic Violence. From a child to a full-grown adult, all throughout I know how it feels to be trapped. We were in lockdown.
I feel like a survivor, I survived, I lived through it all and I suffered so much more then I could ever just explain, so I just don't talk about it with everyone I just couldn't, I just shared with the person who saved me, my person. But all those years it was always we, we survived, I wasn't alone at all but felt completely on my own. Our pain is shared, all pain is equal, it just hurts.
All of the people out there right now, feeling so much more trapped, I cannot imagine not being to just leave my home just so I could catch my breath and somehow pick myself and go back home.
The only advice I can give to you all is I hope and pray that you all do what you can do find that person, your person, someone to talk to and let it all out, you cannot wait and you have to help yourself by taking the first step and then you will not stop, you will want to find a way out and the more you look the more you learn.
Educate yourself, I read a book called Invincible which opened my eyes to just how many people are living with childhood domestic violence.
My words will be a revelation to almost anyone that knows me, they will probably shock, disturb or just offend some, but I hope you understand how difficult my past is to share, I have tried a few times but every time I tried the relationship with that person changed, not for the good. But I found my person, I feel free, free to share hoping it may help others break free and live.