Beaner Wiener

My name is Beaner Wiener, and I’m a black cat with some white bits here and there. I wrote this book all by myself … well, I did have a bit of help from Overall-man, an old writer-guy who wore overalls all the time and lived in a farmhouse. He adopted me after I got dumped in the bush in a cardboard box with all my brothers and sisters for some reason that I didn’t even know what it was. But oh, after that, I had a wonderful life. Overall-man said he had to write a description of this book, but I said I’d do it, ’cause it’s my book anyway, right? Of course you’re wondering how I could write this big book, eh? I mean I was only a little kitten, eh? Well, you’ll be real surprised when you find out how I did it, but you should read the whole book and find out that way ’cause then the surprise won’t be all ruined when you get to the ending. My sister who got adopted just before me, Overall-man called her Alienne, which is the female for “alien” ’cause she’s all white and ghosty-looking and sometimes real grumpy-like. Overall-man called me “Beaner” because he said I was full of beans, whatever that is, and then he added the “Wiener” part later’ cause he says sometimes I act like a wiener, whatever that is. Me and Alienne got to play all over that big old farmhouse, and we even got to go outside once we weren’t too scared to do it. The yard was endless fun, but it had dangers too. For instance, there was a kennel full of yappy white Samoyed dogs out there, and those dogs made lots of puppies that got sold for money … whatever that is. We thought at first that dogs ate kittens, but all they ever did was lick us till we fell over. Eww! After a while, Overall-man took us in a cage in his car and got us “fixed” by a vet! That wasn’t very nice, actually. Alienne and me, we didn’t even know we were broken! I remember one day the mayor came over to our house ’cause some farmer’s wife got to complaining about the dogs’ howling at night, but Overall-man said that it was legal, just like it’s legal for cows to say “moo.” The mayor talked and talked until he got himself all muddled up and stomped out. Oh, did we laugh! I saw snow when the winter came, and I even ran around in it. Angel from the farm came over and lived with us for a while and she even had her puppies at our house, and one of them turned out to be blind ’cause of this thing called cancer, and he got put asleep and went to “puppy heaven,” Overall-man told us. Then summer came along … and oh, that was ever so nice. We lived real near a river, and when it was real hot out, people went round the sandy shore dressed up—honestly—in only their underwear! And they went right in the water and got all wet … on purpose! I have no idea why they would do such a perfectly silly thing. As you can see, I had a most adventurous life, but I have to stop writing here, ’cause you need to read the whole book to get my whole life story.