Diary of a Depressive

If you have or know of a brother, sister, mother, father, friend, cousin, husband, wife or anyone that you may believe is depressed, that you will reach out to them and help them seek counseling.The signs of depression are always apparent, and yet not so obvious when you don’t know what you are going through. The problem is simple; if you don’t know what the signs are, how will you know that you are depressed? How can you interpret certain symptoms as being a symptom of depression if you don’t know that you are depressed? I never associated all of my symptoms with depression. I felt horrible and simply didn’t know why. I felt alone, but never knew why. There were plenty of people in my life that loved me, but I still felt horribly alone. I would often tell the people that I loved that I felt alone and they simply shrugged it off as me over reacting to something. It was the “something” that eluded everyone as being depression. This only pushed me deeper into my depression. I became untrusting of most people. My basketball background would not allow me to get emotionally attached with people that were acquaintances. This happened over a period of time. Why? I often wondered what the ulterior motives of people were. I felt that because of basketball, many people have hidden motives and that made me have reservations about everyone that I met. When you’ve been used because of what you do for a living, you simply become immune to feelings and personal attachment. You make a conscience decision to be stand offish and somewhat aloof. I would erect a barrier around a relationship that would take years to lower. That was my way of protecting me against hurting someone or being hurt by someone. Some athletes may seem conceited, but others simply choose to separate their personal lives from their professional life, even though we tend to be high profile people.In order to fully understand how deeply of a depression I was in, I need to share the last five years of my life with you. I continue to be amazed at the complexity of the mind and the gravity of depression. Don’t ever think that it can’t happen to you, because events activate depression. If you have enough negative events in your life, you are certain to experience some degree of depression. That depression could be short term or long term, but you will definitely become depressed.Mother Teresa once stated, “I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.” This is the quote that stays with me. As delicate as the mind is, God would not give me more than I could handle, though at times it may not feel that way. When I finally realized that something was wrong, I felt as though God was saying that this was enough. That was all I could handle. Depression is a wicked joke that can change who you are in a nanosecond. The essence of your very being can be stripped and you would never be the wiser. You may feel wonderful and then all of a sudden the weight of the world rest solely on your weakened and depressed shoulders.